TheByte

Choleric

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

Harry Plopper

Resistance is futile.




CHANGE is coming.



PS: just love the points #8, #10, #13, #15 & #17.

shonguiz

#10; # 17, #18 & #19

Rob

LOL ...very funny.

But I don't think Americans should be too upset, afterall, Cleese lives in Santa Barbara, California anyway ....so he obviously prefers the US to "Old Blighty" (England)

coolraoul

Karma given, that's just enormous!

The Diva

Very very funny!


I will personally abide to #6 and #7 when the Brits:

1. Produce a decent (read drinkable) bottle of wine

2. Have dishes that do not include such ingredients as animal heads, stomachs or other things that in America we refer to as "garbage"

3. Do something about those horrid horrid teeth!
please refer to the "Big Book of British Smiles"



I ( also) found this lovely piece... enjoy!

SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we’re amused by your quaint belief that you’re actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a “backwards step” by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Look up “aluminum” in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh; if you wanted it pronounced ‘Eddinburra’ you should have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as “fortnight.” The correct term is “a two week period.” You will learn words such as “credenza,” “intern,” and “chad.”

2. There is no such thing as “UK English.” UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won’t be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds, and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as “caravanning.” It is properly called “camping.” The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called “tenting”.

4. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year—be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Oh, and name your children after interesting medical conditions.

5. You will not have guns. In the eyes of mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).


6. You’re doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing; it’s cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That’s why we bought the companies.

7. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so (though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.)


8. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries—light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies, and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

9. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA has determined it to be unfit for human consumption.

10. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash, or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use “Mockney” and “Posh” British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back; he’s a lousy actor and we don’t want him either.

11. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn’t contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be ‘good guys’.

12.Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse, or Geordie.

13. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don’t have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

14. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn’t real football. If it doesn’t require 45 pounds of padding, it isn’t football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can’t understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips, and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

15. It’s inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that “Rule Britannia” ditty—it’s toetapping.
Or maybe Elton John could adapt “Candle In The Wind” again for you guys.


16. We’ll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for “Teletubbies”.


Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.


P.S. — Regarding WW2: You’re welcome.

Harry Plopper

ROFL!

That "garbage" "food" is not UK specific. It's general European "speciality". I guess that's the custom we Europeans inherited from our barbaric pagan ancestors.

Same case with bad teeth. Btw, that song by The Cranberries fits so well in that video.


LOL!

Indeed. Teletubbies must had been created with creators on LSD - or even on some extra-stronger vicious "cocktail". The whole show looks like a stoned guy having hallucinations. Check this out - it's worth it:

Original show:



To substantiate my theory I'm showing you how Teletubbies are keen on rave subculture behavior (where "E" rulz!). Both videos show original scenes from the show only music background is changed:






Spooky!

The Diva

LOL! thanks Eni I had my suspicions!

BTW... is is true?

Is Tinky Winky really gay?